I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
You Might Also Like
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Happy thanksgiving!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I love wikipedia
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.