guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
True statement👍😏😁
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’