I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
You Might Also Like
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Worst bar ever.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Ah..makes sense now
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.