– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
my first day as a raccoon
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar