How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
this is the best interaction on twitter
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834