Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Life is a suicide mission.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
🙋♀️
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!