Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I know this now 😂