Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE