Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
so i’m at the stock market right
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth