My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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Weirdly Wednesday.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
SCARY COSTUME
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.