Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me trying to walk in a dream
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.