Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.