It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You Might Also Like
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.