I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.