Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’m aging like a fine banana
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”