Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown