When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
#Caturday
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.