WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You Might Also Like
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
me refusing to leave twitter
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??