Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If only
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one