my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.