Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”