I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You Might Also Like
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not