me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My dad is at it again
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Bike for sale
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
the #horror is real!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.