*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I canāt š
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
turns out I donāt want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guyās part in āLittle Talksā by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky š
[Restaurant]
Waiter: āDo you have any room for dessert?ā
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
āWhat have you heard?ā
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said āno, i was born abroadā and then there was a long silence followed by her saying ācan you please help me? i canāt find āAbroadā on this listā¦ā and showed me a drop down list of countriesā¦
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father canāt.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasnāt read it. I canāt believe Iām raising a studio executive.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free