if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
bears
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey