Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
🤣🤣
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I had to Stop for this
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce