My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
good work, everybody
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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