Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)