I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air