leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.