There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
*limbos away from your hug*
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The options really are this bad
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.