“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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Sounds about right! 💯
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.