If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“You’d better run, egg!”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*