Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩