[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!