what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.