Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back