MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
my fav colour is also hitler
Ok but actually
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!