Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.