Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical