In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT