No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”