I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
WHY?!
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed