football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.