I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.