Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
the composer
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Can’t, holding a grudge
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.