Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.