I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
dream blunt rotation