Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“We will wed,” I threatened
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Sharon I have some bad news