Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.